Miss, can i pass recess?

The new buzzword is recession. I just love the sound of it. The whole world seems to be going berserk on this. I am more than willing to mourn on this subject….but will someone please explain to me who or what exactly is this recession? Who is this dude who declared that its now recession time?

 

Things seemed just fine. No fire. No flood. Nobody died. No earthquake. Nothing at all. And then suddenly, for no damn solid reason this thing just started.  It’s almost like there was this bored bloke in the stockmarket, who just felt having some fun. So he just walked in one morning and said ‘ok guys, enough is enough, from this minute onwards ….it’s recession’. And everybody clapped and spread the word like fire.recess

Like all other calamities, like the orissa flood or the tsunami, this one seems to be latest national cause of concern.

Suppose I were to create this mega ‘Save recession’ campaign to raise funds, at the end of it, who do I contribute all the cash I collect to save our country from this wretched disease?

Somehow anything and everything is connected to recession.

“Obama is the new president, the world is unstable and so is the economy. This recession is not going to end”….

“What is the necessity to spend so much money and send a satellite to the moon, when the entire country is going through recession?”

Like the client tells you that you shoot the commercial at half the cost….’sorry guys, it’s recession’. So you tell the producer ‘dude, dont you understand it’s recession’. And he tells his camera crew ‘shut the fuck up and shoot, it’s recession’ and the word just spreads.

“Papa lollipop’

“No beta, after recession’

I have come to the conclusion that ‘Recession’ is one big unstoppable rumour that people are more than willing to spread. For two reasons

1. You are happy deep inside, because finally people are getting poorer, and it’ll reach a stage when everyone is as poor as you.

2. Or it just sounds cool to be affected by the recession. You feel like a big industrialist who’s business is at stake, by participating in these discussions. ‘Ya I know…this is not the right time to invest….The market speculations are unpredictable. Money is locked in the wrong hands.”

Anything you say here makes sense, because anyway the whole discussion is based on nonsense.

I haven’t met a single chap who’s been able to explain this without me raising more questions. I am sure there must be some complicated fundas attached to this, that the white bearded reporters are desperately trying to explain in channels. I only wish they uncluttered their channels and made it more watchable. The tapes ticking below how now reached their chin, but the anchors and the viewers seem fine with it. Or worse still are the drab brown coloured newspapers. How does anyone feel like reading them? 

What’s worse is that I feel alone in this confusion. Everyone seems to have it sorted out in their heads, including the liftman, the man at the petrol pump and the autodrivers. But maybe have a little difficulty in expressing it? I wish the reasons were as simple as

“Someone ran away with all the money. So it’s recession till we catch the culprit.”

“No country is giving us loan because they need it themselves.”

“The big oil well dried up.’

“Just for variety, the prime minister thinks we need to observe recession for some time.”

Give me a damn reason. Even if it is stupid.

While all I have gathered that its basically a time when people are not supposed to be spending. 

They’ve just made me feel guilty about spending for no reason. Suddenly there was this panic that the banks are running dry. So people ran to the ATMs to withdraw all the cash and keep it at home. I felt left out in all this drama. I’d love to see a bank not able to shell out the peanuts I’ve stored with them. Imagine a bank being more broke than me.  

Everyone seems to be spending. So where is the fuck up? I see my colleagues downing expensive whiskies, more than ever before. They still wear new stuff and go partying in non-smoking pubs. Crap films like Fashion are running houseful. The prices haven’t gone down at my vegetable shop and neither has the attitude. Someone paid 6 crores to Salman to act in the unbearable ‘Hello’. Recession must have at least stopped that, if not anything else. 

pton107l3The ones who kept it alive are the Jet boys. For some time they made me believe that ‘Recession’ is here to stay. So, I went on time to office the next day. But Goyal and boys chickened out even before I started believing in it. 

Bloody liars. In the name of recession, they just tried a cheap stunt of getting the balance employees to work overtime, ha ha …..but it fired back.

 

I’ve concluded that this recession shit is as false as India Shining. A vague term that can accommodate any imagination, any definition and used mercilessly to take advantage of ignorant fools like me. 

A sentiment that people might share when they get their letters in April.

 

 

So before this boomerangs, I’m saying ‘The market is back and booming’.

i-refuse-to-particpate-in-a-recession-badge6Please spread the word.

 

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5 Comments

  1. ROFL! Seriously, Will someone please explain to me when and where can I meet this chap recession? He/she sounds like Digen Verma ./ Balbir Pasha

  2. OUTSTANDING….

    you missed out another damage this dude is doing…
    Apparently he is the inverse of Santa Claus, he gives out pink slips to bench warmers and other such over heads.
    He also causes management to suddenly “right size”
    he is omnipotent and omniscient….

    we should start a comic series with this Recession man as the super hero, imagine is super powers.

    His Arch enemy will be Yes we can Obama..
    🙂

  3. lol it sounds like “nalebaa” if you remember.

  4. Ha Ha i can so relate to this…and brilliantly written 🙂

  5. Lol brilliant take.I haven’t understood it fully either.All this talk on shifting over to neo-capitalism and new age communism isn’t helping either.


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